Today, I handed in my notice at work.
Now you may be wondering why I would even consider giving up a very sought after role, in a very sought after industry that is getting cut to smithereens, without having another role lined up to move into, during one of the most turbulent job markets in living memory.
Because I’ve pretty much lost my mind, that’s why.
I’ve lost my mind, not because I don’t care about my job – I’m lucky enough to be working in the industry that I love, and I know I should be grateful for that – but I’m losing my mind, because I can’t shake this feeling that I’m wasting my best years, when in reality, I never even really tried to achieve my dreams. The thing’s I worked so hard for until the age of 22, when I essentially gave up before I even started.
I was so scared, scared of the rejection, scared of the work, scared of never having any money, scared of working behind a bar for the rest of my life (not that there is anything wrong with that – it’s just not something I choose for myself). So I gave up. I gave up without trying. That is very unlike me.
To be honest, I wasn’t having a great time when I left uni (I mean, who the hell is to be honest) and after spiralling into a severe state of anxiety and depression for nearly a year, the job that I have just left has been quite literally a life-saver. The feeling of achievement, of feeling needed and wanted, and good at something has really helped build my confidence. It has also come with feelings of boredom, regret, and wondering what the hell I’m doing with my life.
I feel more motivated than ever to try and find out my identity within the performing arts. I’ve been struggling as to what to identify myself as – am I dancer? An Actress? A Choreographer? Director? Practitioner? Then I realised recently that it doesn’t bloody matter. At all. I’m a dancing, acting, choreographing, directing practitioner. I’m whoever the bloody hell I want to be.
But one thing I certainly am not is an Administrator. I need to stop kidding myself that the security of full time work is worth giving up on that. It is for some people – and if that’s the choice you make – then good for you! I’m quite envious. But for me, at the moment anyway, I’m heading into the freelance world. Willing to take any job that vaguely interest’s me, and trying to figure out who the heck I want to be and what the heck I want to do with my life. I’m not sure I’ll ever know, and I’m sure the second I think I know, I’ll change it! But I’ll never find out sat at a desk. It’s not what I was built for.
I’m still pretty scared. But that’s ok, and I’m going try my hardest to make a success of this for myself.
So yeah – that’s my life today, my good old unemployed life.
This lovely print is by the marvel that is Ella Masters